A participant in the discussion sessions I host on anger recently thought aloud about how many hours he had put into athletic success, wondering why it had never occurred to him to treat his performance in interpersonal relationships with the same persistence and intention. That kind of introspection, sharing, and learning is what I’m going for here. You can read other posts, all with those themes running through them, at this link.
Last week, a conversation among friends touched on a very live wire: how angry we can get when we don’t get what we want, and how hard it is to be with that discomfort.
Slamming doors, storming out, shutting down, kicking, screaming, punching… these are not anger. Anger is a feeling, and these are actions that people often take when that feeling arises. They are actions that people often take when they feel angry, alternatives to sitting with the feeling itself. However inappropriate, they are often easier than peacefully holding the reality of not being in control.
That desire to call the shots shows up in all kinds of places. Say you move into a new house, for example. You might agree beforehand that matters such as how to arrange the book shelf, where to plant the vegetable garden, and whether to use nails or screws should be settled by joint decision. You may also find that when it’s actually time to shelve, plant, and hang, you're walking in a field of landmines, totally overwhelmed by the challenge of disagreement and feeling like the question of what to cook for dinner is an issue of life and death.
By "you," of course, I mean me. And what did I do in some of these situations? What were my go-to, autopilot solutions? I made snide remarks about someone else's aesthetic preferences. I said "fuck it, do it how you want" and left the room. I zeroed in on unimportant pieces of the puzzle, needling her over why this or that was illogical in a way that diverted time and energy away from the actual matter at hand.
All to avoid just being there with it: I'm not in charge, and the world is still spinning.
I’ve got less obvious ways of reaching for control, too. For example, I was a captain or a coach during a decent amount of my competitive ultimate career. While that happened largely because I wanted these jobs and had the skills they require–I’m fairly organized, I like planning, and I’m good at speaking clearly to groups–I'd be lying if I said I didn't gravitate toward those roles because they were a way to be the decision-maker.
It’s not that I’m being controlling every time I make a decision or assert my opinion. It’s just that I can get that way quickly, and sneakily. The questions of how and where I look to influence situations lead me to another: how and where do I look to dominate other people?
What is it about not having my way that makes me so upset? There's an aspect of it rooted in my personal history that is rational and fair: my life growing up was so chaotic and volatile, and I learned that being the boss made me feel safe. That kind of wiring is very strong.
It can be good to see the roots of a given mindset, but that only goes so far. No matter the insight on my childhood, there is still something that just isn't ok with me raising my voice and picking a fight because I want spaghetti and she wants elbow macaroni.
At the end of the day, there has to be a path to comfort within the discomfort. The alternative is just more force, more pushing and huffing and puffing... more being disconnected from the love and companionship that, deep down, I want the most.
It's awfully hard, though. It just is. There are so many things I know how to do: run harder; make a plan or structure an argument; call a friend who has a friend who can pull some strings.
But just sit there and feel what's bothering me? Without trying to change it or escape it? With my skin crawling and heart racing and thoughts scrambled?
It'd be a lot easier to just slam a door.
My dad once got mall security called on him for making a scene at Borders. The cashier wasn't giving him what he felt entitled to, and strangely rigid expectations about customer service were one of his ways of reaching for agency in the world. And there it is: a man in my life taught me both to do that reaching, and how to handle things if it wasn't working.
I've heard it said, mostly by adrienne maree brown, that if we knew how to get where we're going, we'd be there already.
We're amidst some kind of birth into a new approach to both manhood and, more generally, being human. We're building a new story and finding our way together. I believe that.
It's just that right now, we're very much still in the dark, and the only step we can take is the one in front of us. For me, where and how to take that step is about getting really quiet and listening very intently. My heart knows where to go in the immediate, but like bees or ants or trees, I don't see the whole organism.
There's something that's not working, and we're all feeling pulled toward a new place—something different, somewhere more beautiful. That's the big picture I believe in.
Here on the ground, the only thing I know to do is keep telling each other the truth.
Loose thoughts
One example of a program doing the kind of work I aspire to is Coaching Boys into Men, a program that works with young athletes to counter the factors that contribute to gender-based violence. I’m trying to grow my list of models to learn from and emulate, so know of similar stuff out there, please send info my way.
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The NBA playoffs are in full swing, and despite two game 7s that were unfortunately not worth watching, I’m consuming lots of basketball media. I recently landed on this episode of JJ Reddick’s old podcast with Patrick Beverly as a guest. Pat Bev has made himself into somewhat of a villain , but man, hearing him talk about meditation, goal setting, setbacks, negative emotions… maybe it just caught me at the right moment, but the first 10ish minutes of this really had me buzzing.
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Olympic gold medalist Mikaela Shiffrin wrote this piece about where she is in grieving the loss of her father. One paragraph in particular (the one that starts “When someone dies, we hear endlessly about…”) brought back a distinct memory from a couple months after my dad died, where I realized that I was furious with him, and doubly so because I couldn’t tell him that. Also, the closing, where she’s reaching back into moments of time that are still so real but also untouchable… I think about that almost daily. It applies to more than just death– it’s the loss that comes with the passage of time–but death certainly adds a new angle.
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My friend Tom is very wise, understanding, and caring. Recently, while looking back through my journal, I came across this bit he once shared with me: there’s a difference between self confidence and self esteem. Self confidence is “I am worthwhile because I do _____.” Self esteem is “I am worthwhile because I am.” Thanks for that little nugget, Tom.
Push it along
I really want my work to find the people it’s supposed to find. If you want that too, please send this post to your teammates, share on social media, or tell a friend about it.
Much love,
Jonathan