Jonathan Neeley

Share this post

The storm before the storm

jonathanneeley.substack.com

The storm before the storm

Credit where it's due

Jonathan Neeley
Mar 18, 2023
7
6
Share
Share this post

The storm before the storm

jonathanneeley.substack.com

They were calling for snow. Lots of it. It was a Friday night in late January, seven years ago.

I spent Saturday morning up to my waist, clearing my sidewalk, then one neighbor’s, then the other’s. Twenty-four inches—still the best shoulder workout I’ve ever done. It shut the city down completely. DC hasn’t seen that kind of snow since. Not even close. 

The snow isn’t the real story here, though. It’s just what was up with the weather right as the bottom was about to fall out.

I only snapped this photo because it was snowing like crazy. Can’t say I knew I was documenting one of my life’s inflection points.

My dad called me that Friday night, as I was checking the forecast and making dinner. He asked me if he could borrow some money again. I said no, again

Then he told me something else: he had used my birthday and Social Security number to take out a credit card, and there was an outstanding balance of over $10,000.

Life crashed down on me in the weeks that followed.

I found out what he spent the money on, and I learned what rage was. I discovered there was a second card, one he swore hadn’t existed, and I ached with betrayal. I wondered what I could trust in this life, and whether any part of my upbringing or our relationship was worthwhile. I coped in ways healthy and not, and I leaned on friends and family for things I never thought I’d ask for. 

The credit card situation was the stirring that preceded awakening—a  spool from which, in the years to come, thicker threads of life would unravel. Anger that had always been at a low boil; shame that was oh-so-clarifying; the devastating grief of my childhood. It would leave me tracing through lines of ancestral pain, the kind that doesn’t distinguish between giver and recipient. It would make me ready to breathe deep and swallow hard and say the word “abuse.” It would launch me on a quest —a grasping at, a pressing toward, a return, again and again and again, to asking myself how much I really wanted forgiveness and compassion and healing. 

That night, though, I just hung up the phone and sat down, shocked.

The blizzard that hit town that weekend was immobilizing and total, forceful in its singularity. The only thing to do was to shovel and wait.

Just like the dead end Dad and I had come to. 

Nowhere to go, and time to face the facts.

Share


Writing and publishing are hard work. I offer my words freely, but I also hope to earn an income from them. If you’re able to support my effort, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.


“Telling the old story so there's space to live the new one”

That’s one way I like to explain writing’s place in my life. It’s fun just because, but it’s also an act of creating the world I want to live in.

If you’re a writer yourself, or if you’re curious, check it out:

  • There are a couple seats open in my Tuesday night writing group, which starts on 3/28.

  • I’m also hosting a one-day workshop next Saturday morning (3/25), and there’s plenty of space in that one.

Much love,

Jonathan

7
6
Share
Share this post

The storm before the storm

jonathanneeley.substack.com
6 Comments
Sue Likkel
Writes Worth Knowing
Mar 18Liked by Jonathan Neeley

From I'll Push You: “Childhood experiences won’t be taken away, but the power those experiences have over [you] is being transferred into [your] hands.”

Sorry to know you're in the sucky-dad club. From what little I know of you, your own children will not be able to say the same. You're taking your pain, your lessons and acquired wisdom to break the cycle and give them the dad you wished you'd had. Good for you.

Expand full comment
Reply
1 reply by Jonathan Neeley
founding
Michael Namkung
Writes Michael Namkung
Mar 18Liked by Jonathan Neeley

The ancestral pain that "doesn't distinguish between giver and recipient."

I'm so glad to see you addressing anger, rage, shame and grief - while also taking a hard look at the hard work of compassion, forgiveness and healing.

Looking forward to reading more.

Expand full comment
Reply
1 reply by Jonathan Neeley
4 more comments…
Top
New
Community

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2023 Jonathan Neeley
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing